screw it.


this morning I woke up with such an exhaustion as I had never seen before. It was almost as if my cello was dragging me back, refusing to come along to school with me.....


how many nights of restless sleep has she caused me?


I had to force the notes out today. I made it-barely.


People just wouldn't stop calling me during practice...I was really pissed...But I didn't have the energy to react... I yelled at the end of practice and tired myself out further...


And yet, all the way through this I was thinking of her... and the events that transpired....and led to this.


the pain returned, stronger than I had seen in days. It was all I could do to keep from crying out...not that I had the strength to do so anyway.


I skipped the lab session today....was too enraged and despaired...and yet tired at the same time.


it's all over! Don't dwell on it.


I know. Advice says so too. But I can't help it.....


distractions keep the disturbance on the inside. But it wears me out......


The orch LANned while I slept. I came in later to watch.... I had no heart to play with them. Went for a really late lunch with them and talked DOTA.


a spectral dagger through the heart.


I need a blue sky holiday.....


Damn it all. I'm tired. Really tired.


Lies. One leads to another...and another......and another.


They all take my lies. But nobody believes me when I speak the truth.


we were doomed from the start.


I have caused many a great deal of irritation, pain, trouble and suffering.


how much longer do I keep up the pretense. The mask.


I am not who I am.


Who am I?


It doesn't matter if nobody understands this....after all, I write for myself. As stated many times on my previous blog.


does it really.


no you fool. You can't die. You can't leave this world. Even if you don't belong. You have music to live for. suicide is the ultimate failure.


would you make yourself even more of a failure than you already are?