nothingness.


Another essay...


I could do this. If I had the will.


The trouble is that my willpower works only on things I believe in.


Met some uncles today. Smiled abit. Listened in on the discussions and remained the silent boy they've all come to know so well. The perfect epitome of studiousness and intelligence. They're all so confident that I will succeed in life. Then they tell their own children to learn from me, because I'm setting a good example and I'm the cleverest of the lot. To use me as a role model.


One of me in this world is enough, thank you. It's not good for the world.


It's a pain in the ass to be someone's idol. And it's not fans which I can just ignore(I would never have any of those. Nor would I want them.) But these are people I know. These are good people. At the very least, unformed people. And I sure as hell don't want anyone else to turn out like me.


All the good points, without looking at the bad points. And I'd feel very bad showing them my bad side. To let them down. Or maybe, all it takes is one explanation: the fallacy that good grades guarantee you happiness in life.


That's what I don't believe in. I'd rather die happy and penniless than become the richest man on earth and slide into depression.


My life, is a quest for happiness. And what makes me happy? What is happiness to me?


I recall the last question on happiness someone asked me long ago. I still can't answer it. But I'm searching. Of course, I believe also that not everything has a logical explanation - at least one understandable by us.


I started off my education chasing butterflies. Let's see who can catch the most. Hah! Mine's more colourful than yours. Look how pretty it is. Hey, genius, there's a hole in your net. Go fix it then you can finally get some of your own.


But the question is, what the hell is one going to use a gigantic butterfly collection for?


That's one way I've lost hope. Finding out the light at the end of the tunnel is just another guy holding a lantern who's just as lost as I am.