Time is running out, there's only one year left and I have so many things to say but nothing comes at all, no words, because I've never been able to vocalise well. Probably not even that Rachmaninov piece. I know I'm pointed in the right direction, all that's left is the specifics - but there's always the what if in life. It isn't fair that one single exam makes or breaks so many things in life, causes so much stress, not just of one for oneself but also of one for one's friends as well. I worry and I'll be praying for all of them. I have no idea if my prayer will be heard; there are a few things fundamentally wrong and there's absolutely no reason why I'd be assisted here even. Though I'm sure they'll be heard as will everyone else's on the planet. The PSLE was a thing of the past, a long-forgotten shadow - and it surprises me to realise it was but only a short six years ago - hardly anything in the course of a lifetime. But then, I was too young to understand anything. Head down in books, all I cared about was competition. I was a top student in the GEP; totally unable to relate to the general fear of failure and not doing well enough to get anywhere. All that mattered was to beat that mildly irritating girl in my class(and I had fun trying) who repeatedly scored top-range marks(the irritativeness stemmed from that.). Being the competitive person that I still am. Rachel Lam I think her name was. I haven't seen her since then and I doubt I'll recognise her. I doubt she'll recognise me either. Six years is nothing. But six years is an entire world of difference in the process of growing up, I realise. One more year, into NS for a short while, and then I'll be left standing on my own wobbly two feet. Nobody can believe it's real. School is all we've known all our lives. Myself included. But it is real, and frightening enough.


Come on, this is Hwa Chong Institution. How bad can we possibly get?


Estimated: not that bad, lah! Really: I don't want to know.


I must say, the education system, after having gone through nearly all of it, has left marks upon myself; I don't know about the others. Everyone gains something different. But I look back, I remember the pain, I remember the joy, and I'm pretty sure I've come out a better person. Oh, sure, there are tons of weaknesses still to be sorted out. But there's been great improvement, and those four words of the school motto Zi Qiang Bu Xi are going to be forever etched down in my mind as a motivator to reach greater heights. I'm looking at the sky and pointing my bow up with my arrow lined up with a star that I'll shoot someday, but I don't know exactly who I'm bringing it down for. It's not for the glory of the school, for money, for the expectations of my parents, or even for myself so I can know I've achieved. I don't need to know either. The main concern is to hit the mark. And here the concepts of accuracy and precision come back out of the Physics notes to haunt me.


I know what I want to do. I sort of know who I want to be. I only hope I'll get there someday as it's a really long way off. But hey, one step at a time. I'm pretty bowled over by the immensity of the staircase but there's no choice but to go onward. The 'impossible' Moses Variations Mr Chan dropped on me is nearly entirely playable to me now - after having practised for just about one week. Maybe nothing is as difficult as it seems.


Think, think, think. It's totally me. I spend way too much time worrying and not enough time working. Or gathering the motivation to do so.


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I have no mortal to write letters to and likely no angel, either. It's going to be a year without that much excitement - but well, that's just more time to fulfil objectives.


It's just the all-permeating 'sian' feel that seems totally impossible to shake off.